Cracked Ribs

A SITTING ROOM

MARY
Oh, you are such a baby.

DAVID
No, I’m not a baby. I’m a forty nine year old man who
is in some pain.

MARY
Pain? What do men know about pain? You should try
childbirth before you talk about pain.

DAVID
And what exactly do you know about childbirth? Or have
I missed something?

MARY
That’s not the point.

DAVID
The point is I have cracked several ribs and it hurts.
It hurts considerably. I know it’s not the worst thing
in the world. I know that there are things that are
more painful. In fact I am thinking of doing some of
them to you right now!

MARY
So does this mean that you are going to be neglecting
your husbandly duties for a while?

DAVID
And what might they be?

MARY
Oh, cutting the grass, changing light bulbs, putting
out rubbish, that sort of thing.

DAVID
I thought that was what you meant. I think I had better
take things easy for a while.

MARY
(With sincerity) Does it really hurt?

DAVID
Only when I laugh. You’re not planning to get your hair
done in the next couple of weeks are you?

MARY
How you managed to trip over that step is beyond me.

DAVID
It could happen to anyone.

MARY
No, I can’t imagine it happening to anyone. I can
imagine it happening to you. I mean, how long have
we lived here?

DAVID
I don’t know. Twenty years?

MARY
And that step has been here the whole time. It didn’t
appear overnight? How come you choose to trip over it
now?

DAVID
I didn’t choose it. It chose me. Look, (gently) I know
that you hate me with every fibre of your being but
couldn’t you at least pretend to be sympathetic?

MARY
All right. I’ll be a good little wife. I’ll mop your
furrowed brow, bring you cups of tea, I’ll even cook
you my famous stew.

DAVID
Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

MARY
No honestly. We all deserve to take it easy once in a
while. You just sit there and watch the football on the
TV. I’ll even go out and get you some beer. How about
that?

DAVID
Well, blow me, love is not dead!

MARY
Put your feet up. I won’t be long. Anything else you
want?

DAVID
Crisps, nuts, chocolate?

MARY
OK. See you soon

Mary exits

MARY
(Off) Oh Christ!

DAVID
Mary? Mary are you OK? Mary!